What Does a Query Critique Look Like?

A hand holding a red pen in front of a blank notebook resting on a wooden floor. — Photo by Kelly Sikema on Unsplash.

I offer query letter critiques as one of my editorial services, so I thought it would be helpful for writers to see what my feedback looks like! Every editor does things a little differently, and critiques by the same editor may vary depending on the state of the original query, but this will give you a sneak peek into the assessments I provide.

The Original Query Letter

Below is the original draft of a query letter I recently critiqued, reposted with permission from the author, who goes by the pen named "The Renewed."

BREATHE is a 100,000-word standalone sci-fi thriller centered on cosmic horror and one family’s struggle with loss. It will appeal to fans of suspense-filled, creature-focused horror epitomized by David Wellington in ‘Paradise-1’ and Mira Grant in ‘Into the Drowning Deep.’

All Luca O’Byrne wanted was a better life for his family, off-world. Instead, after their colony failed, his youngest daughter drowned in a cryo pod malfunction on their journey home. Now, back on a dying Earth, he’s vowed never to enter cryostasis again. His wife, Erin, can barely look at him, and his only surviving daughter, Shay, is crumbling in the face of her sister’s death.

Then, the Inardesco Corporation came to his door, offering a miracle.

The O’Byrne’s off-world writ of colonization had been approved, offering the crumbling family one chance to escape their homeworld. Instead of facing the trauma of cryostasis, Luca can bring his family aboard the I.S.S Atlas and complete the entire voyage in three months.

All he has to do is agree to travel through the Cordis Pass, a rift between stars where no light enters or leaves, and space travel has been experimentally accelerated safely for years. While the opportunity is normally reserved for Inardesco Elite, a special exception has been made. Luca accepts, desperate for one final chance to rebuild his family despite their loss.

But as the voyage commences, Luca realizes the true price of their miracle.

Every family aboard the Atlas has experienced some tragedy in their lives, resulting in the death of a child. Each has surviving children under twelve, marked as ‘lost in transit.’

Inardesco has come for their children. In the darkness of the Pass, one by one, children are murdered in the same manner as their sibling's tragic deaths. With each death, their parents seemingly forget that the child ever existed. With each death, Inardesco calls to a creature that lives in the void between stars.

Only Shay remembers the kids, and only Luca believes her. When Inardesco and this cosmic entity come for her, Luca is the only thing standing in their way. If she is sacrificed, the Atlas will emerge unscathed; if she survives, the creature will come for them all.

Luca has already failed one daughter; the Atlas will burn before he fails another.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

My Critique

Here's what I wrote in response to the author. If I were sending this critique to a client instead of posting it on a blog, it would be a Word document with Track Changes on, which the writer could accept or reject, and my comments would be in the margins. But because I'm posting it here on my website where that formatting isn't possible, my comments below are in quotations, and my suggested line edits are indented.

"First of all, this sounds amazing and creepy, and I want to read it.

"For the housekeeping paragraph, specify the age category (I'm assuming adult, because that's what your comps are). Paradise-1 is a good comp, but Into the Drowning Deep is a bit too old. Some other novels you could check out to see if they have some similarities: Ghost Station by S.A. Barnes, The Scourge Between Stars by Ness Brown, The Deep Sky by Yume Kitasei, and Nether Station by Kevin J. Anderson. The comp titles should be italicized rather than enclosed in quotation marks.

"I am definitely intrigued by the story summary; it just needs to be shorter. Between 250 and 350 words for the entire query (including the metadata paragraph, summary, and author bio), is the sweet spot. Aiming for 3-4 paragraphs for the plot summary is ideal. Here are ideas for how this could be trimmed. [Text in red suggests deletions; text in bold suggests additions.] Keep in mind that my suggestions for rewrites are just that—suggestions! Feel free to take what is helpful and leave the rest."

All Luca O’Byrne wanted was a better life for his family, and he thought they would find that off-world. Instead, after their colony failed, his youngest daughter drowned in a cryo pod malfunction on their journey home. Now, back on a dying Earth, he’s vowed never to enter cryostasis again. His Luca’s wife , Erin, can barely look at him, and his only surviving daughter, Shay, is crumbling in the face of her sister’s death.

"I like this intro paragraph a lot. It's got stakes and tension, and the daughter drowning in cryo is horrifying—not something I've ever thought about re: cryo technology. My first addition is for clarification, otherwise it brings up the question 'why off-world?', but this way it's implied that Earth is probably not great to live on. It's not necessary to mention a fear of cryostasis, as readers will infer that and you mention it again later. Erin is not named again in this summary, so she doesn't need to be named here."

Then, the Inardesco Corporation came to his door, offering offers him a miracle: another chance to colonize a new planet. The O’Byrne’s off-world writ of colonization had been approved, offering the crumbling family one chance to escape their homeworld. Instead of facing the trauma of cryostasis, Luca can bring his family aboard the I.S.S Atlas and complete the entire voyage in three months, along with X other families. All he has to do is agree to travel through the Cordis Pass, a rift between stars where no light enters or leaves, and space travel has been experimentally accelerated safely for years. While the opportunity is normally reserved for Inardesco Elite, a special exception has been made. Luca accepts, desperate for one final chance to rebuild his family despite their loss. They have to travel through a rift between stars to get there, but Inardesco assures them it’s perfectly safe.

"The above three paragraphs can be combined into one and written in present tense, assuming these are events that happen in the novel itself and not backstory. Does 'off-world writ of colonization' mean they put in another request to colonize another planet? That could be simplified to something like what I've suggested above. You could also add how many other families or people are going on this voyage to get a sense of the scope of the project. I was confused by the line 'and space travel has been experimentally accelerated safely for years.' Does that mean spaceships have traveled through the rift before and been fine? Perhaps 'Inardesco assures them it's perfectly safe' might summarize that more succinctly. The rest can be cut to save space. Ship names are usually italicized."

But as As the voyage commences, Lucas Luca realizes the true price of their miracle something isn’t right.

"Rather than 'Lucas [also, is this supposed to be Luca?] realizes the true price of their miracle,' which suggests he's got everything figured out all of a sudden, consider something along the lines of 'something isn't right' or 'something feels off'—this way, we readers are along with him for the ride and feeling the same dread of the unknown that he's feeling."

Every family couple aboard the Atlas has experienced some tragedy in their lives, resulting in the death of a child. has experienced the tragic death of a child recently. The ship is sending a strange signal out into the void. Each has surviving children under twelve, marked as ‘lost in transit.’ Inardesco has come for their children. In the darkness of the Pass, one by one, children are murdered in the same manner as their sibling's tragic deaths. With each death, their parents seemingly forget that the child ever existed. With each death, Inardesco calls to a creature that lives in the void between stars.

"I played around with the wording of the first sentence above to try to make it read more smoothly, but it may still need some work. Rather than 'every family,' maybe 'every couple' (assuming there aren't single parents aboard) or 'every adult passenger'. I'm not sure if 'marked as lost in transit' is necessary, but if you keep that in I think you'd need to explain how Luca learns that, since this summary is from his perspective. How does he have access to that information?

Only Shay remembers the kids, and only Luca believes her. And Shay tells him that there were other children aboard, but they’re disappearing, and only she remembers them once they’re gone. When Inardesco and this cosmic entity come for her, Luca is the only thing standing in their way. If she is sacrificed, the Atlas will emerge unscathed; if she survives, the creature will come for them all. Something is living in the void between stars, something that wants to take Shay away from him.

Luca has already failed one daughter; the Atlas will burn before he fails another.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

"I've reworded this to be from Luca's perspective (he can't recount the children's deaths himself, since he can't remember them) and cut what I think can go to save space. LOVE the last line. Like I said, this is already really strong and the plot gripped me. Hope these suggestions help tighten it up! Best of luck with querying!"

What the Query Letter Looks Like with Edits Applied

Here’s what the query letter would look like with my suggestions applied. The writer may not necessarily accept all my edits and may still want to tweak some things from here, but it’s down to 275 words (and there’s room for an author bio, which the writer didn’t include in their original draft but should go at the end), the summary is adjusted to be from Luca’s perspective, and the protagonist’s goal, motivation, and conflict are clear.

Dear [Agent Name].

BREATHE is a 100,000-word standalone sci-fi thriller for adults centered on cosmic horror and one family’s struggle with loss. It will appeal to fans of suspense-filled, creature-focused horror epitomized by David Wellington in Paradise-1 and Mira Grant in Into the Drowning Deep.

All Luca O’Byrne wanted was a better life for his family, and he thought they would find that off-world. Instead, after their colony failed, his youngest daughter drowned in a cryo pod malfunction on their journey home. Now, back on a dying Earth, Luca’s wife can barely look at him, and his only surviving daughter, Shay, is crumbling in the face of her sister’s death.

Then, the Inardesco Corporation offers him a miracle: another chance to colonize a new planet. Instead of facing the trauma of cryostasis, Luca can bring his family aboard the I.S.S Atlas and complete the entire voyage in three months, along with X other families. They have to travel through a rift between stars to get there, but Inardesco assures them it’s perfectly safe.

As the voyage commences, Luca realizes something isn’t right. Every couple aboard the Atlas has experienced the tragic death of a child recently. The ship is sending a strange signal out into the void. And Shay tells him that there were other children aboard, but they’re disappearing, and only she remembers them once they’re gone. Something is living in the void between stars, something that wants to take Shay away from him.

Luca has already failed one daughter; the Atlas will burn before he fails another.

[Author bio paragraph goes here.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Author Name]

Does Your Query Need a Critique?

How do you tell if your query letter is ready to go or if it could use a second pair of eyes on it? If you're asking yourself one or more of the following questions, a query critique could be useful:

Have I formatted my query letter properly?
Does the plot summary include everything it needs to (who the main character is, what they want, why they want it, what's getting in their way, and the stakes if they fail)?
Is there enough information about the world? Alternatively, is there too much information?
Are my comps suitable?
Have I listed the proper genre and age category?
Is my query letter too long or too short?
Have I included any unnecessary names or details?
Is everything worded clearly and succinctly so that agents will have a smooth reading experience?